I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
My liver just had a heart attack.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
There's a naked man in my car right now.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
