i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Randomize
