cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
