Your mouth is God's brothel.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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