google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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