i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Randomize
