Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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