Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
