apparently the secret to your success is patron
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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