I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
