is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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