I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
