I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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