I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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