there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
