My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
he had hair everywhere except his balls
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
