I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
