So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
