I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
