you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
