The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
