Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
that's an acceptable place to lick
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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