Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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