the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
