New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
