Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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