I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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