I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
