I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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