At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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