I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
