I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
