My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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