Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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