the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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