I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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