In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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