i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
