And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
