I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
