Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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