i love accidental penises.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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