i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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