we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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