I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Randomize
