I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
