I faked an abortion last night.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
