I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
