dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
