There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
