dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
