Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
