At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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